“I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.” – Waitress (2007), Dir. Adrienne Shelly
Wow, it’s been a minute.
So much has happened since I last posted. Last time I posted, I believe it was a quote about being alone on July 1st. Thats over a couple months ago…
Well I guess a brief way to fill you in is to just say I moved back from Utah and am now going to Iowa State yet again.
I didn’t want to sit here and write about updates on my life cause that would honestly be boring as hell. I don’t wanna do that to you guys, no. Instead, I thought I’d jump right back into what I always have done in the past, talk about what’s on my mind and hope that someone understands or at least takes something away from my writing.
So here it goes.
What’s been on my mind lately is how badly I compare myself to other people. And I know everyone does this in some way or another but I have a feeling I do it to an excessive amount. I’m the type of person that likes to meet a ton of people whenever I get the opportunity.
I love this about myself don’t get me wrong.
But that means more connections, more personalities, more friends, more people to compare my life to.
I am just constantly having a hard time knowing what I want to do with my life and figuring out who I am specifically even though I thought I had a good idea. Then someone does something spectacular and i’m like ‘why am I not like that?’ ‘Why am I not doing that?’ ‘They are so much farther ahead of me in life and school and figuring out who they are’.
All of it, haunts me daily.
I just wish there was some person out there that I could pay money to go see (I’m talkin like $20 with my broke ass), and they would tell me exactly who I am and what I need to do with my life.
I’m struggling man, help me.
I just wish I had some talent that I could use to motivate myself into pursuing. Now I’m not trying to sit here and feel pity for myself, please don’t think that. I just wanted to write about how I’m having a hard time with figuring out life, like most of us.
My optimistic mindset can be either a good thing or a bad thing. It’s still to be determined because as of right now, I’m seeing it as a bad thing. Wanna know why? Imma tell you why.
Because I have looked at life thus far as ‘everything is going to turn out’, ‘just believe and pray and don’t worry because it will all work out in the end’, ‘you’ll eventually figure it out, don’t stress about it’. And I haven’t, until now.
I’m a senior in college about ready to graduate; actually in another year and a half (I have to go an extra semester). But I’m still so naive about my future. I think it’ll turn out in the end but it’s like ummm honey, not if you’re not doing shit about anything. I get good grades and I get involved but I just feel like it’s not enough.
I see everyone else going out and becoming presidents of the clubs they’re in, creating events, helping save lives I don’t know.
This might just be my own personal issues, and I hope it is because this feeling sucks.
I don’t think I’ve taken enough time to get to know myself personally. Like I mentioned before about loving to meet new people, that means that I’m not by myself a lot of the time. I never take a whole day to myself to just be alone and do what I want to do. I constantly have to be with people or meeting new people. I don’t see anything wrong with this but it hasn’t helped me figure out myself.
Okay, I think I’ve hit my limit on thoughts tonight so I’ll leave you guys with that.
If you guys read it all the way through, lets be friends honestly cause it was quite a bit, but I really appreciate it.
Connect with me somehow one way or another, I’d love to get to know you all! I’ll try to continue to write as much as possible but this is mainly a page for me to get my thoughts on ‘paper’. If you enjoy it though, don’t be afraid to comment and let me know!
Turn on my notifications to know when I’ve written something new cause God knows when the next time will be… Could be a day, a month, a year, who even knows.
Anyways, hope you all have an amazing night as it is midnight here in the midwest, I need to get some sleep. Revisit soon loveys ❤
Peace & Blessings